It’s been ages since, so why can’t I get that explosive love affair I once had out of my head?
“When we are going through challenging times, or our life just doesn’t seem interesting enough, it can be common to start ruminating about happier or more exciting times. Our brain tends to store memories based on the emotions we feel at the time of an event. However, when feeling a bit lonely or vulnerable we will often cling to one specific memory and stubbornly ignore the bigger picture: for example, all the reasons why that explosive love affair didn’t work out long-term.
An explosive love affair can be remembered as being exciting, passionate and dynamic where in fact, it was also nerve-wracking and filled with anxiety or other frustrations because you weren’t compatible in other areas that are important to you.
If you don’t like the current state of your relationship, start being accountable for your own thoughts, words and actions (or lack of actions) and the effect they are having on your relationship. Are you being the best version of yourself, or is complacency leading to a lack of intimacy, disconnection and other signs of relationship breakdown?”
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I want to shout about my love for my new partner from the rooftops! What can I do that really says how much I care?
“Well, that depends on how your partner likes to be loved. Find out whether they like words of affirmation, receiving gifts, physical touch, quality time together, or acts of devotion or service. These are known as the Five Love Languages.
We tend to show our love how we, ourselves, like to be loved and this can cause frustration or disconnection to a partner who needs your love to be expressed in a way that is meaningful to them.
Emotional connection is paramount for maintaining a happy and fulfilling relationship, so make sure areas of contention are dealt with in a timely manner. Small annoyances in a new relationship will quickly grow into ongoing frustration and anger when left unresolved. Know that your body language will always give you away—you cannot completely hide what you are feeling and telling white lies or making excuses will eventually erode your partner’s trust.
Be honest in your communications and remember your ABCs: avoid accusations and blame, and consciously live a life of cause and effect.”
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Myself and my partner’s love is strong but the lust has somewhat dissipated. How can I best reignite our initial sparks of passion?
“Libido needs to be consistently nurtured regardless of age. Mental distractions and the stresses of life can lead to less physical engagement among couples. With less physical intimacy in a relationship, it can be challenging for men to maintain hard erections and control over ejaculation which can influence both partners’ desire for sex.
30% of men suffer from the above issues, with 80% of women struggling to reach orgasm during intercourse. Some partners avoid sex due to frustration or disappointment, while others avoid it so they or their partner can avoid feelings of failure. I must say that all of these issues are easy to solve with the correct information and technique, which I provide in my programs.
It’s also important for men to look at their sexual technique. Did you get your sex education from porn? Hard and fast, uneven rhythm and a constant change of position will put many women off sex, especially if she doesn’t know how to balance her sexual focus so she can reach orgasm. Always use lube and aim for a steady, even rhythm to keep your partner in the right zone.
We are attracted to our partners for many different reasons. What are you doing to maintain and enhance your partner’s attraction for you? Look after your body by working out at the gym and staying away from foods with little nutritional value. What you eat also determines your energy levels—and a happy and healthy sex life requires energy!”
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What’s the best way to get out of a relationship that’s fizzled out?
“First of all, you need to focus your attention and actions toward what you want. There’s a part of your brain which acts as a filter, and whatever you are focusing your attention on the most, will set the parameters for this filter.
This is what makes you notice all the little things that annoy you about your partner. It’s also what made you notice all the wonderful qualities in your partner early on in your relationship. Before you start contemplating exiting this relationship… how have you been focusing your attention, tone of voice and actions? Are you being dismissive of your partner, or really taking the time to understand their perspective?
The reality is, that each of us is triggered 40+ times a day. It’s how we deal with those emotional reactions which determines our level of connection with others and the filters we set up in our brain.
When we are having an emotional reaction, our prefrontal cortex goes into lockdown mode. This means we cannot think clearly or make wise choices. Our hearing is affected. We cannot process new information, so we revert to past memories of similar situations. However, because those memories are based on the emotion we were feeling at the time, they are usually inaccurate representations of that event.
This is why arguing your point never works. There are a hundred different ways our brain can interpret something said, so there will often be misunderstandings in our relationships.
When it is your predominant intent to focus your attention on the best outcomes and be in charge of your emotional triggers, then you will train your brain to see the best in other people and bring out the best in yourself. Then it comes back to these very important questions: What does your ideal relationship look like? How do you want to feel in your relationship? Then simply align your actions in that direction and take it from there.”
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Jacqui Olliver is a truly brilliant Psychosexual Relationship Specialist at End the Problem who renews relationships by solving people’s emotional and sexual issues. In the past 7 years, she has helped over 1,000 men, women, and couples restore a relaxed, happy, and fulfilling sex life and enhance their overall connection. Click here to check out her programs or to book a complimentary strategy session and start getting real answers to solve the real problems.