Because I’m not a parent, my general policy on parenting-related topics is that my opinion is worthless and that everything is probably a lot more challenging than it looks. I do have a seven-year-old niece who I wish was my child (if my sister is reading this: watch...
So you’ve got a ripped $20 bill. Didn’t your parents ever teach you to respect property? This is why we can’t have nice things. Except, guess what: A ripped $20 is still $20 — so long as you have more than 50 percent of the bill. Otherwise,...
Despite people clamoring to buy the last 18-packs of double-ply toilet paper at the grocery store, the coronavirus really isn’t the butt apocalypse it might seem, since nothing gastrointestinal is among the primary symptoms. For some, the greater concern may be that quarantining prevents us from leaving the house much...
Very few of us are getting enough vegetables. Only one in ten people regularly get their recommended daily dose, while the remaining nine of us vary: Some are trying our best, working in a side of broccoli whenever we can, while others are perfectly content with their vegetable-averse lifestyle....
It Could Happen To You: You’re at some nice hotel you wouldn’t ordinarily drop the cash for, and in order to fully milk the experience, you know you’ve gotta be fully nude, in bed, with a tray of chicken tenders. You don’t want to stank up the...
I regularly struggle to make simple decisions regarding what I’d like to eat for dinner — yes, I’m that girlfriend trope. Nevertheless, I know that when it comes to making more significant decisions — whether to accept a job offer, break up with someone, move across the country — an empty...
I am neither a poet nor a scientist, and so to describe what sex smells like seems near impossible. Sex smells like… body juice? Erotic-flavored sweat? Chicken broth? According to expert sex doctors and fellow sex-havers, all of the above. But there are a handful of components...
There’s a big difference between having breath that smells like alcohol and having alcohol breath: The former simply acknowledges that one’s breath smells as though they’ve consumed alcohol, while the latter is that wretched scent of yeast, sugar, nastiness and the sort of moldering despair you can smell...
A tiny, portable television was one of the most invaluable items in my home growing up. It was ancient and useless — at best, it might pick up portions of a mattress commercial once every few months. The rest of the time, the shoebox-sized device blared “snow,”...
The phrase, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” has me sprinting toward the grave. I am a Sleeper. I love my sleep, I never sacrifice it and I can never truly get enough of it. Yet despite my allegiance to slumber — or perhaps because of it —...
I’d argue that the primary purpose of having your own place is to be nude (and free) whenever you want. I know that taking off my clothes is the very first thing I do when I arrive home from work — before checking whether my living room windows, which...
There often seems to be a direct correlation between the divey-ness of a bar and the strength of its pours. Odds are, the place shilling carefully measured $15 cocktails needlessly served in a coupe glass with a sprig of thyme prooooobably gives you less booze than the place with $4 vodka...