How to Scrape Away the Quarantine

Four ways to prepare your body for your eventual return to civilization.


Okay, so we’re not out of the pandemic woods yet, but the trees are finally clearing out a bit. More people are getting vaccinated every day, and eventually (fingers crossed) the world will return to some sense of normalcy — and you can, too! Here’s how you can get ready to put your pandemic self behind you.

Exfoliate Your Entire Body
First, let’s literally scrape off the quarantine. A thorough exfoliation scrubs the sweat and dirt and dead skin off you, and you know it hasn’t just accumulated on your face. Go ahead and take care of those calluses you’ve been ignoring as well, and then you can do your preferred level of manscaping. Nothing will make you feel more like a new man than grooming yourself, top to bottom. Just don’t forget to moisturize afterward!

Get a Real Haircut
This is tricky for a few reasons, since 1) you need to find a hairstylist that’s open and properly following all safety procedures, 2) you have to be comfortable with it, and 3) your wonky quarantine haircut might limit your options. However, finally having your hair properly styled again won’t just make you look like you’re getting yourself back together, you’ll feel like it, too.

Ditch the Pandemic Beard (Maybe)
Given we’re Dollar Shave Club, we should stress that although this step is entirely optional, we are, of course, a fan of it. If you’ve let your facial hair run wild because it’s winter, or because you’ve been trapped at home for nearly a year and who the hell cares, now would be a great time to ditch those whiskers. Trim, apply your Shave Butter, razor that quarantine beard off, do the Dew, and ditch your lonely hermit lifestyle for good. 

Burn the Sweatpants
You know the ones. You’ve worn them for 264 of the last 300 days. They have served their purpose, and it’s time to set them on fire and give them the Viking funeral they so richly deserve. (Don’t actually do this, obviously. The trash can, though less spectacular, is a far safer option.)