Have some punks ever thrown a snowball at you? Did you try to throw one back, only to realize that your throwing arm freaking sucks? Were you then barraged by even more snowballs until you finally made it home, where your family laughed at you for being completely wrecked in a snowball fight?
We feel your pain, so we asked Matthew Todd, who plays for the pro snowball team The Canadian Snowbattlers, how to be the best snowballer you can be. We also tossed in some quotes from Sun Tzu’s Art of War for extra intensity and, like, hardcore emotions. Read on, so next time you find yourself stuck in the midst of a snowball fight, you can at least maybe throw a little snow on someone. Just try your best, y’know?
“Keep a close watch on the enemy and obtain reinforcements”
To ensure you never take your eyes off your opponent, you’ll need to get good at making snowballs without looking. Todd says the ideal size for a snowball is the size of a regulation baseball. This will give you the most control while throwing and allow you to inflict maximum ice-burn upon your enemy. Heck yeah!
“All warfare is based on deception”
For a serious snowball fight, standard dodgeball rules apply: One hit and you’re out. Because of this, you want to keep yourself concealed as much as possible. If you venture out, Todd says to never run in a straight line — instead, go for a zig-zag pattern and fake to the left before going right (and vice versa). That way, you’ll trick your foes into wasting their ammunition.
“You can be sure of succeeding if you only attack places which are undefended”
Since the typical snow-barrier consists of a wall with no overhead protection, you need to make use of the lob. Todd shares that the first year his team competed in the Japanese Yukigassen (“Snow Battle”) league, they went in sure that a fury of pitches would crush the competition. However, they were quickly decimated by underhand lobs dropping in their laps.
“He who is prudent and lies in wait for an enemy who is not, will be victorious”
Todd’s most important advice is to wait and make your rivals come to you. “It’s a game of patience,” he says. “Those who are impatient are going to lose because they put themselves in a position where the opposition gets an advantage over them.”
Now go and show those punks what you’re made of. If you don’t make it back, we’ll always remember you.