Poop: It’s the great equalizer.
Whether you’re the CEO of your company or the intern, you can be sure of three things: death, taxes and the fact that everyone poops. The only real difference between us is when we poop, and for how long.
Some folks poop for 30 minutes, twice a day; others poop for 30 seconds only a couple times a week. Regardless, many of us are physically in an office anywhere from nine to 12 hours a day, which means it’s pretty much inevitable that — CEO or intern — you’re going to have to take at least some of your dumps in the company restroom.
The thought of the dreaded office poop situation might not scare some of you. Others among us are, sadly, uncomfortable, if not downright terrified, by the idea of sharing poop-space with their coworkers.
It’s enough to make you wish there was a way to game the system and avoid the potential toilet run-in with your coworkers, and especially Jim from Accounting. But what if I told you there was?
There are, in fact, optimal times to poop at work, when the restrooms aren’t as busy and you have a smaller chance of having to perform in front of an audience. Take, for instance, the morning: According to Overflow Data and a study from the American Community Survey, most of us arrive at work between 7:45 and 8 a.m. That means you have a high probability of finding an empty restroom if you get to the office before the rest of your coworkers.
That said, not everybody wants or needs to poop that early, so alternatives must be divined. How about lunch time? According to project-management software company Redbooth, office productivity begins to suffer around 11 a.m., before climbing again around 1 p.m. One could glean from this information that the period between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. constitutes the most common time for people to take their lunch. And if people are likely eating during this time period, they’re probably not pooping. Q.E.D., consider taking your BMs between 11 and 1. But at the same time, don’t push it — wait too long and you risk running into the “holy diarrhea, I shouldn’t have eaten that” post-lunch toilet rush.
Unfortunately, an 11 a.m.-to-1 p.m window is pretty massive, and you might be looking for a bit more specificity on when the restroom has high odds of being empty. Well worry no longer, because that time is 2:30 p.m., and even more specifically, 2:30 p.m. on Tuesdays. According to the U.K. scheduling firm YouCanBookMe, that’s the best time of day to hold an office meeting. And if everyone’s in meetings, that means there’ll be nary a soul in the loo.
There you have it: If you want to take a poop at work but don’t want to hear your coworker’s toilet phone conversation, try confining your poops to first thing in the morning, the time between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. when everyone’s at lunch, and right around the 2:30 meeting.
That, or develop an incredibly strong pelvic floor and learn how to hold it.