Hey, you big drunk dummy. Are you reading this after your eighth post-midnight tequila shot, wondering by what grace of God you’ll be able to sober up enough to make it to your 4 a.m. flight in one piece? Well, I’ve got some bad news, my sweet blackout buddy: You’re...
In a perfect world, everyone would just split the check evenly and be done with it. After all, we’ve all eaten our dinner and now it’s time to get out of there, so why belabor the process? But the world isn’t perfect, and in this imperfect world...
A lot of people can apparently take this in stride; my own girlfriend claims to “love” the heat, which is unfortunate given that I want to commiserate with someone over how miserable being hot is. All my life, I’ve felt like I “run hot.” Growing up in...
“I often say there’s probably five or six people alive today [that], if I wasn’t born, wouldn’t be here, so at least I did something.” That’s an impressive way to kick off your online bio, but Michael Beagelman isn’t a part-time search-and-rescue pilot, a hostage negotiator or...
When it comes to working out, we’re not all strongmen like Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson (aka The Mountain). In fact, many of us could go our entire lives and still have no clue how a lat pull-down differs from an incline bench. Which is to say, there’s no shame in...
Inside a vehicle is both one of the best and worst places to release a plume of your own nauseating personal fumes. On one hand, being alone means you can liberally break wind without worrying about being shamed. On the other, being trapped in such a small space means...
The relationship one has with their in-laws is bound to be cumbersome. Being married to their offspring means you have to hear about — and sometimes deal with — every single problem that plagues their family. Being someone outside of the actual bloodline, though, usually means you...
According to the many, many pseudo self-care experts out there, being nice to yourself means spending $125,000 on the 18k gold dumbbells they’re shilling, purchasing Psychic Vampire Repellent or maybe putting yourself through the very specific, flatulent hell of a coffee enema. But according to most psychological experts,...
If the modern automobile had a status on Facebook, it would undoubtedly be “It’s complicated.” With their computer-controlled fuel injection systems, continuously variable transmissions and three-phase four-pole AC induction motors, the days when every Tom, Dick or Harry could wrench on their ride seem long gone. So...
A comedy staple like slipping on a banana peel or getting a pie in the face, the old plumber’s crack image is something that seems to have been around forever. Yet, over the past week I’ve been scouring the internet for plumber’s butt cracks — digging deep,...
My boyfriend’s sporadic sleep schedule means he’ll probably die young of intestinal cancer. His shifts at work begin anywhere from 5:30 in the morning to 10:30 at night, meaning there’s no true pattern to his sleeping hours — or time spent with me. Not to mention, he can’t...
Battery scientists do the extremely important work of figuring out sustainable ways to store energy to make things last longer, help protect people during natural disasters and basically ensure the planet can keep functioning. I do the extremely important work of disrupting that essential research by emailing...