“I often say there’s probably five or six people alive today [that], if I wasn’t born, wouldn’t be here, so at least I did something.” That’s an impressive way to kick off your online bio, but Michael Beagelman isn’t a part-time search-and-rescue pilot, a hostage negotiator or...
When it comes to working out, we’re not all strongmen like Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson (aka The Mountain). In fact, many of us could go our entire lives and still have no clue how a lat pull-down differs from an incline bench. Which is to say, there’s no shame in...
Inside a vehicle is both one of the best and worst places to release a plume of your own nauseating personal fumes. On one hand, being alone means you can liberally break wind without worrying about being shamed. On the other, being trapped in such a small space means...
The relationship one has with their in-laws is bound to be cumbersome. Being married to their offspring means you have to hear about — and sometimes deal with — every single problem that plagues their family. Being someone outside of the actual bloodline, though, usually means you...
According to the many, many pseudo self-care experts out there, being nice to yourself means spending $125,000 on the 18k gold dumbbells they’re shilling, purchasing Psychic Vampire Repellent or maybe putting yourself through the very specific, flatulent hell of a coffee enema. But according to most psychological experts,...
If the modern automobile had a status on Facebook, it would undoubtedly be “It’s complicated.” With their computer-controlled fuel injection systems, continuously variable transmissions and three-phase four-pole AC induction motors, the days when every Tom, Dick or Harry could wrench on their ride seem long gone. So...
A comedy staple like slipping on a banana peel or getting a pie in the face, the old plumber’s crack image is something that seems to have been around forever. Yet, over the past week I’ve been scouring the internet for plumber’s butt cracks — digging deep,...
My boyfriend’s sporadic sleep schedule means he’ll probably die young of intestinal cancer. His shifts at work begin anywhere from 5:30 in the morning to 10:30 at night, meaning there’s no true pattern to his sleeping hours — or time spent with me. Not to mention, he can’t...
Battery scientists do the extremely important work of figuring out sustainable ways to store energy to make things last longer, help protect people during natural disasters and basically ensure the planet can keep functioning. I do the extremely important work of disrupting that essential research by emailing...
We were descending into Los Angeles from Chicago, which meant the seatbelt lights were on. Had I not woken up with an insufferably full bladder, this would’ve been fine. But I swear I had near-emergency levels of pee pushing to get out, setting off alarms in my...
I’ve got some good news that might seem like bad news at first: People who do housework live longer than those who don’t. You might be thinking, Ugh, another thing I’d rather avoid, even if it takes years off my life. But instead, look at it this...
“That’s great work you’re doing there. It really is the most neatly arranged stack of loaves of bread I’ve seen in a long while…” These words have all taken a running cliff-dive out of my mouth, and now I can never get them to go back in....
